First time this year that I've felt so much pain over someone enough to realize that I did have feelings for him. Today was just a fucked up day because of him. He ruined my life currently right now. "Do you know her?" "I come to starbucks a lot....they all know who I am." Beyond fucked up. We made out in your car on a few occasions, no big deal. You talked to me all summer because I needed you. And then you tell someone that I make your fucking drinks for you? I have never been so hurt. I don't know what to do anymore. All I know is that I'm hurt. I'm so sorry I didn't meet up to your standards, whatever. You don't have to be a fucked up little twat about it. Thank you for making me feel so good about myself. Thank you so much.

I love you. I truly do. For two years I've loved you. And you'll never know, because you love someone else. I have to let you go. With all my heart, I have to try. I love you. I will always love you.

Seeing as I only write on this blog to complain about the problems I have, I might as well continue doing that. My tumblr seems to be the complete and total opposite of that, but oh well. Now I have other concerns and emotions and it is bothering me more then anything I have dealt with in a long time. I'm not the type of person to say I have true feelings for someone, however, this is the first time in a very long time that I can say that I truly do...and it scares the shit out of me. I don't like that feeling of being vulnerable, or constantly wanting to be around that person, and I do. The problem is, is that I know he's attracted to me, it's just that I'm not too sure how far he wants to go in the relationship way. He wants to do things with me, that's for sure because we've talked about it. But, he doesn't realize how much I like spending time with him. Seeing him for twenty mintues yesterday and then going to hang out with another "guy" friend for a few hours who has genuine feelings for me, made me more confused then I ever have been. That few hours with that other guy cannot compare to the twenty minutes spent with him. Seeing him come into work today made my heart skip five million beats. Then the other guy came in, and I hid behind the counter, haha. But I don't get it. I haven't had these feelins for the longest time. I like the idea of us. I like hanging around him. I like when he puts his arms around me, but I don't know if he'll ever want what I want. Only time will tell, but I'm going crazy and impatient. All I want to do is spend every second of my day with him. That's all I want.

I've come to realize one thing about myself. I don't like people. Now, my first post ever posted on here, I thought I did. However, I've come to realize that it was, possibly, one of those mood swings and emotional moments in my life that a girl gets every month. Being away at school, I have learned a lot about myself. I learned that the guys I like, I don't ever like. I use them, dispose of them when I get what I need, and continue on studying. It sounds horrible and crude, but that is just the way I've come to realize how I work. It's not like I'm some sort of monster, I'm just playing the game like a male would. The feelings I've felt towards the boys at school haven't been anything like I would feel when I was back home with the boys at my old school. For some reason, I had true feelings towards them. I wanted to be with them, I wanted to talk to them for hours, spend nights at the beach, spend time with them. I would see them, and my heart would ache because my feelings were genuine. Going back to my high school graduation, I saw the one person I spent senior year trying so hard to have as strong feelings as I did with them. There was a mutual understanding on how we felt, I just wanted him more than he wanted me. I spent my whole first year of college doing my own thing. Focusing on school, working, partying, living the college life, and yet, I would still find myself looking at his Facebook, more often than I would expect. Especially after it being a whole year since I've seen him. I thought, once I saw him again, there would be no feelings, at least that aching feeling in my heart would be gone, but it wasn't. The moment he saw me, called me over, and I was in his arms, I wanted to cry. That feeling came back, more intense then I expected. That feeling I haven't in a year. That feeling that I forgot how much it makes you want to crumble to the floor. The feeling of having true feelings for someone. I miss that feeling. I miss feeling like I actually care for someone, that I actually just want to sit there and just be by his side, not speaking, our knees resting against each others, just being together. So much has happened in this last year. He's going to school eight hours from me, two hours from home, and three hours from his girlfriend. A lot has happened in a year. Is there something different in the air here in Southern California, then in Northern California? Because, up north, nothing registers my feelings. I am happy being alone, but here, I want to feel that feeling of truly liking someone. Not even with this guy, because I know what's going to happen with us. And I know what's going to happen with his girl friend. The people I went to high school with are so much better, nice than the people in college. I love my friends, I love the people, they just aren't the right ones for me. I don't know, and I don't know what's going to happen, but I hope whatever happens in my life is for the best. Every experience and decision I'm going to make will lead me to the right person....we'll see.

I hate moving back home because then I have to do a job search all over again. It is the most stressful time to have to reapply to places, and get turned down. Now I have more work experience, so it should be easier to get hired. I still hate, however, that feeling of rejection.

I like this new style of music I found. It's chill electro with a twist of tango in it. It's wonderful. I love how classic style music is starting to combine with new genres.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wZk-LJ_KCMg

A new song always brings new memories, new feelings. Every song that I've listened to this year, will be a memory of my first year in college. This has been one of the most stressful, saddest, shortest, most memorable year I have ever experienced, and today is the last day. Sad to say, I'm really going to miss everything on this hill. I'm going to miss the people, I'm going to miss the drama, the alcohol, even the smell of weed. I've realized a lot about myself. I've grown up a lot. I've noticed I'm miserable after going a month without visiting home. I'm going to miss trips to Berkeley and Oakland. I'm going to miss staying up till 3 in the morning doing absolutely nothing but facebook. Little things I'm going to miss. The family you make in the dorms is one that you don't want to leave. Next year will be amazing, with my best friend, working, partying, and of course the boys. This summer I will spend my time listeing to songs that have become my favorite this last year, and remember everything that has happened this year. People who don't go away to school miss out on so much. It's the greatest experience you'll ever have. Back to L.A. tomorrow. Lets see what summer has to hold.

Today I woke and found my heart longing for someone. A dream that could never be brushed out of my head, that has ever scarred itself on my heart. I can't stand dreams like that, especially when they are with people that are so unattainable. It drives me insane. You know how I feel towards you, and I know how you feel towards me. It's just the matter of what you have at home that stops us from ever getting anywhere. It breaks my heart everytime I think about it. There are so many people here that I can have, but I only want you. Maybe it's the fact that I want what I ultimately cannot have, but I want you. My dreams scream everything I desire, and two nights in a row, you have been in them. I wish you were able to see that. And I fear next year we won't be as close as we are right now. It scares me to death. I don't want to lose you. I know I'll see you at parties, and maybe around school, but I don't know if it will be the same. I want you to realize how much I care for you. Even if I have to write it in a blog first, I know one day, I'll grow enough courage to tell you everything that occupies my thoughts about you. Every encounter with you makes my heart scream. Every touch from you makes my breathing short. I don't want to destroy what you have at home, so I'll keep these things a secret until you're ready for me to tell you in person. I care for you, I honestly do.One day, I hope you care for me too. I would always doubt my feelings towards you till I realized what how I truly feel towards you when I was in my dream. My dreams tell me what I want, and it made it clear that I want you more than I thought. I'm tired of how I feel towards people. I'm like a boy in that sense. I want what I can't have, once I can have it, I don't want it anymore. I wish it were different. I wish I were able to feel true feelings towards someone, but I don't, and I never have. What I feel towards you is different, however. I want you, and you want me, but you have someone else, and you aren't willing to give that up. I wish I had what she has, because she has something I don't. I hope you have a good summer, love. I'll see you in the fall. Hopefully we'll see each other soon.